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Return from the Fall Months
A difficult season that I also love.
Much as I love Fall — my favorite season — I realized this year just how hard the months are for me. September starts and four days into the month is the day that Nelle was stillborn in 2015 and my world changed forever. October ushers in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Last year, I had an infant rainbow baby (a baby born after loss) and was just trying to keep afloat.
This year felt heavier, more exhausting. I retreated into mindless activities and scrolling past photos on Instagram as a way to deal with anxiety. I withdrew from writing, even privately in my journal. It all felt like too much.
Only in the past week or so have I felt myself emerging. I have a renewed commitment to finding time for myself and yoga. I did so much yoga in the Summer and Fall of 2016 after losing both Nelle and Iris, but haven’t gotten into it after my rainbow baby was born. I knew that I needed to capture the time for myself.
I missed the Friday noon class but was able to sneak away for a 10:00 am Saturday class. Hot yoga on a crisp day that has a hint of winter sounded like perfection. Bikram Yoga requires a lot of focus and concentration. I can become lost in the dialogue and forget everything outside.
I focused on my breath and realized how much my body ached. Poses that were once easy were a bit more challenging. My joints crackled with a sign of aging that I haven’t experienced. Only a further reminder to take care of myself as I grow older.
The full-length mirrors are somewhat unforgiving and I always have mixed emotions. I stare at my body, stomach covered in stretch marks from five pregnancies, skin loose in a way that I wonder if it will ever recover. At the same time, strength and stability in my arms and legs. Flexibility that I have retained from younger years.
Yoga is one of the few places where all of my tattoos are revealed. The birthdates of my five children on my back: three living, two dead. The words “Be Still” on my arm. The tree of life on my foot. And my latest additions from only a few weeks ago: the words “Rise Up” on my thigh (from ‘Hamilton’) and the word “always” with a lightning bolt on my wrist (a Harry Potter tribute). It is a collection of what I have found important in my life, on display.
I finished the yoga class, tired, but knowing that I could have pushed harder. Ready to go back. Ready to take on this next phase of Fall.
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